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Lesson
Four: Word Choice
Don’t Thesaurusize.
The second trap into
which many students fall is thinking that big words make good essays. Advanced
vocabulary is fine if it comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an
appropriate context. After reading thousands of essays, admissions officers
know which students have come up with difficult words by themselves and which
have looked them up in a thesaurus.
Show, don’t tell.
Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of
statements that “tell” rather than “show” the qualities of the writer.
Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not “get it” if they do
not beat to death their main arguments. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual
clichés: “the value of hard work and perseverance” or “learning to make
a difference” or “not taking loved ones for granted” or “dreams coming
true” or “learning from mistakes.” Such statements are acceptable if
used minimally, as in topic sentences, but the best essays do not use them at
all. Instead, allow the details of your story to make the statement for you.
An example helps elucidate the difference:
In a mediocre essay:
“I developed a new compassion for the disabled.”
In a better essay:
“Whenever I had the chance to help the disabled, I did so happily.”
In an excellent essay:
“The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I
smiled and immediately took her arm.”
The first example provides no
detail, the second example is still only hypothetical, but the final example
evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the
reader in the experience of the applicant.
Don’t Get Too
Conversational. Slang
terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be
eliminated from all but the most informal essays. The following excerpt gives
examples of all four offenses:
You are probably wondering,
what are the political issues that make this kid really mad? Well, I get
steamed when I hear about my friends throwing away their right to vote.
Voting is part of what makes this country great. Some kids believe that
their vote doesn’t count. Well, I think they’re wrong.
In an essay like this one, in
which you must show that you take things seriously, your language should also
take itself seriously. Only non-traditional essays, such as ones in the form
of narrative or dialogue, should rely on conversational elements. Write
informally only when you are consciously trying to achieve an effect that
conveys your meaning.
Don’t repeatedly start
sentences with “I.”
It is typical for the first draft of an essay to have many of the following
type of sentence: I + verb + object, for example, “I play soccer.” If this
kind of simple structure is used too many times in an essay, it will have two
effects: your language will sound stunted and unsophisticated; you will appear
extremely conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always talks
about herself. The trick is to change around the words without changing the
meaning. Here is an example:
Before:
“I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to
learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve
myself. I began to love music.
After:
“I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I
worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the
effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my
love for music.
Don’t repeat the same
subject nouns.
When writing an essay about soccer (or leadership), do not repeatedly use the
word “soccer” (or “leadership”). The repetition of nouns has much the
same stunting effect as the repetition of “I” (see above). Look for
alternative phrases for your subject nouns. For soccer, you might use vague
synonyms (“the sport,” “the game”) or specific terms (“going to
practice,” “completing a pass”). In the case of leadership, you could
use phrases such as “setting an example,” or “coordinating a group
effort.”
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 EssayEdge
Extra: Trimming the Fat
The following words and
phrases can usually be deleted from your essay without any loss of
meaning. Just as an athlete needs to work off the fat in order to
perform well, your writing needs to stay lean in order to pack more
meaning into every sentence. Extra words rob your prose of energy by
making your language convoluted and just plain fluffy (also known in
some circles as “bull” or a stronger variant). The following
phrases are especially fattening because they invite passive
constructions, those that employ the verb, “to be.”
I believe that, I
feel that, I hope that, I think that, I realized that, I learned
that, in other words, in order to, in fact, it is essential that,
it is important to see that, the reason why, the thing that is
most important is, this is important because, this means that, the
point is that, really, very, somewhat, absolutely, definitely,
surely, truly, probably, practically, hopefully, in conclusion, in
summary.
Also look for subtle
redundancies of the “X and Y” variety. Only a few examples of
the many are provided below. In each pair, the two words mean nearly
the same thing -- so why write both? Such redundancies show the
reader that you are not thinking about what you are saying. And, the
more clichéd phrases make your essay sound like all of the others.
Instead of resorting to these sinister twins, think of more precise
language, words that really pin down your unique experience.
Hard work and effort,
teamwork and cooperation, dreams and aspirations, personal growth
and development, determination and diligence, challenges and
difficulties, objectives and goals, worries and concerns, love and
caring.
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From ESSAYS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham,
Daniel Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman.
Reprinted by arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.
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