Florida State University

Date: Dec 31 1969
Major: Architecture & Urban Planning Department (This Major's Salary over time)
After years of prayer and discernment, I elected to attend this university, under the impression that there would be no man-eating wolverines involved. I was immediately disappointed by the sheer number of wolverines frolicking about campus, eating men as they pleased. Curiously enough, they were equally ravenous for women. But perhaps more disconcerting is the fact that, every Thursday at about four o'clock PM, they forcibly remove a member of the faculty or staff from his or her living facilities and pull them out to the football field, where they proceed to ritually cut their nervous throat with the dulling knife of Peter H. Gilmore, High Priest of the Church of Satan. Perhaps even more off-putting, perhaps, is the severed head of Richard Nixon, which they have pinned to the top of the science building with a stake, in order that it may keep careful watch over the school's day-to-day operation and make sure that the wolverines do not escape.