Ladies, tired of not being raped?  Udel is for you!  Our Athletes, Football and Male Lax, are seemingly experts in the art of drugging and raping unsuspecting women.  And what our atheletes cannot do, our local Townies will be more than willing to do while you are walking home!

Guys, wish you could get beat up and robbed more?  Once again, UD's athletes fill the void in your life.  Our football team is excellent in breaking into your dorm/apt/house and robbing you blind.  Our over-steroid frat boys (imported from directly from Long Island) have no problem showing you how manly they really are by pounding your face into the pavement.  They'll even do it in exchange for accidentally bumping into them at a crowded bar.  What a deal!

UDel is world-famous for its specialized majors for Women.  Our MRS.  degree will get you the ring on your finger before graduation!  Guys, if you are looking for a smoking-hot, but not too bright trophy wife who will admire you not for your personality but for your good looks and BMW, all of our female students dress like they are going clubbing - even at 10am!  They know how to work that thong, and they are dying to show you... but only if you have the Trust Fund check in hand.  Just remember that they probably showed half the male student body before you cam along.

And speaking of not being too bright - Our student body practically exudes low-brow intellectualism.  Professors ask a question in class, and no one will answer it!  How great is that!?  Essay exams are a thing in the past - just memorize a few facts, cheat on the scan-tron tests, and buy your term paper - literally everyone in the Business Major is doing it!  As a bonus, if you would rather drink on Tuesday rather than actually studying (just like the majority of our “students” so don't worry), one of our many New Jersey Princess will be more than willing to grind up on you at one of our crappy bars if you buy her a Yeungling.

Don't really care about the real world?  Not a problem at UDel.  Our students are so apathetic, they couldn't tell you who the president of the U.S. is, let alone how to vote for him.  The myriad of student groups on campus (those without the shiny Greek Letters) only have 4-10 members.  Let the nerds worry about the real world - you have your Daddy's credit cards to use, right?  The only thing you need to do while you're not in class is to try to get as drunk as possible, and screw whatever is walking around at last call.  Who cares about building a strong character?!

So, to recap, if you want an unsafe, snobby, dimwitted, unchallenging, apathetic, white-bread campus, UDel is a steal.  I mean, why bother even going to College... your Daddy will just get you a job in his firm when you graduate.  You will fit in just fine at UDel.  And if you don't, you are just too poor (or black, gay, smart, motivated, intelligent, well, you get the picture) to be as cool as the rest of our student body.