The University of Kentucky

Date: Feb 11 2010
Major: Computer Engineering (This Major's Salary over time)
If I could sum up the UK experience in one word, it would be this: ignorance.

In fact, the average UK student isn't very bright. J.Random Wildcat has a strong sense of inferiority to people with an IQ above that of your garden-variety beetroot, so he instead joins a fraternity where he gets away with doing cocaine, having sex on his roommate's bed and drinking lager in dorm rooms, despite a strict no alcohol policy. The problem is, the University not only tolerates his nonsense, but several, if not most, of the administrative positions in UK are run by people just like him! If one examines the backbone of UK, what one will find is a clusterfuck of old money asshole rednecks who've never actually done anything remotely interesting, useful or challenging (wait, I think one of them was in a newspaper once). Thus, J.Random Wildcat looks upon his foolish classmates, the few who actually care about learning, with contempt. "What fools", he must think, "working for an unattainable goal when the low-hanging fruit is directly in front of their faces!"

Mr. Wildcat has a good point though. You'll have to try very hard to escape mediocre ignorance at the University of Kentucky. Most of the classes boil down to rote memorization (when proofs were brought up in my Calculus class, the first question asked was

Which ones should I memorize?

). When you're not busy doing that, you'll find yourself battling the incompetent administration, who love to do things like losing scholarships acceptance letters, giving you the wrong major (after the deadline, making it a huge pain in the ass to fix) or dodging your meetings with them about important topics (but I understand: that fast food won't eat itself!).

Of course, this is terribly unfair to the professors. After all, they were just hired by the redneck alcoholics running the University, right? But of course! Mr. Wildcat loves being able to bullshit his way through a course via a professor with absolutely no interest in what they're doing (when I asked one professor for a concrete list of due dates (we had already been in the course for a month!) for a series of assignments, she replied with

That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

). But never mind that, President Todd is a Good Man and wants this school to become a Top Research Institution! You think your sorry ass being able to learning something is more important than that? The nerve of you! You're weak and stupid and can't learn on your own; you NEED the University of Kentucky! You'll take what we give to you and learn to like it!

What, you want to actually walk around at night to study at a library? Good luck, loser! With the consistent spree of frat boys with guns and random sexual crimes, you'll be lucky to make it to the Young library alive, much less able to do any work. If you do, be prepared to listen to the obnoxious frat boys on the 5th floor who drink and smoke IN THE LIBRARY without being reprimanded. But you live them alone, you nerd—those are fine Christian gentleman!

Hey, at least if you're too broken-hearted, there are plenty of slutty sorority girls for you to bang! In fact, next time you're down on your luck, stop by any of the bathrooms in the library to get down on a hot business major instead! And let me tell you: they are pros! Years of being around the fraternities here have taught them how to be excellent hookers^H^H^H^H^H^H^H lovers! Make sure you make the first move though, because at UK you're only as good as the eye candy you're seen around campus with (although a Mercedes is a nice second).

But don't worry about that now, young highschool student. As a future UK wildcat, you'll be just fine with taking 12 credit hours per semester towards your degree in Undergraduate Studies/Political Science/Physical Education. Plus, you'll get a smug feeling of superiority when you return to whatever rural hellhole you crawled out of, so much so that you'll have a bright future running as a local politician who pollutes local rivers with toxic waste and kills mine workers with inadequate safety procedures. Good job chump, you've made it. Have a beer.